The Genius Idiot and the Idiot Genius
by Better a Freak Than A Fake
Summary: Co-Authored with MarcelinaRose. Birthday present for Tiny But Mighty. It's Lumpy's birthday and everyone is invited but he's not the one to ruin the whole party. So, who did? Rated T for violence and gore (aka it's HTF).


**Another year, already and suddenly it's Tiny But Mighty's second birthday! As you can tell by it being the second, Tiny But Mighty is not a user/person. Instead, it's a cult of fans who honestly believe that Lumpy is a genius and Sniffles is an idiot (Well, actually, no, that's an insult to idiots...). I am the leader and co-founder of Tiny But Mighty and normally, I would have made this present with my second-in-command Neverwhere Guard but he is not available so I instead made it with one of the newer Tiny But Mighty members, MarcelinaRose and am very pleased with the final product. I hope you like your present Tiny But Mighty!... and everyone else reading...**

 _You are hereby invited to Lumpy's birthday party, first thing in in the morning, on Lumpy's birthday. Failure to attend or coming without a gift will result in being thrown in jail indefinitely. I'll see you there._

That was the letter everyone in Happy Tree Town received that day, including Lifty and Shifty, much to their surprise. Everyone was concerned about what this party had to offer considering what happened last time they went to one of Lumpy's parties. Given the threat, though, they all knew they had to as they knew Lumpy could and most importantly would go through with it.

So, just after five o'clock in the morning, everyone was gathered at Lumpy's trailer. No one had the excuse that they were dead as it was just at that time that everyone came back. A few from the group were tired and honestly questioned why they were at the trailer so early in the morning. But they knew it wouldn't matter because it was only a matter of time before they died.

They weren't really sure what they were supposed to be doing. The awkward silence was broken by a character you can probably guess. "Where's the cake?! Birthday parties have cake, right?!"

They groaned and turned around to see Lumpy looking around with a disappointed gaze. "Did no one bring cake for my party?"

"Um, we did but Nutty stole it when we were on the way over," Shifty explained, making Nutty growl.

"You two couldn't afford to buy a cake." Lumpy looked over at them.

"Who said anything about buying it?" Lifty snickered.

"How did I know it would come to this?" Sniffles asked with a face palm. "If you said anything, then I would have made it myself."

"No way," Cuddles interjected while pointing at him with wide eyes. "Anything you make ends up killing us all." Various others agreed with crossed arms and nodding heads.

"You really think I could mess up a simple cake?" Sniffles asked, looking offended, especially when everyone else, including Lumpy, nodded.

"Knowing you, yes," Giggles responded with an unconvinced glance towards him.

"But I wanted cake..." Nutty whined.

Lumpy sighed and left the room, coming back with a bag of what appeared to be candy. "Here Nutty, I made sure to save this just for you." Lumpy took the present Nutty brought him and traded it for his bag.

"Candy!" Nutty gobbled the entire bag in one gulp but soon started foaming from the mouth and hit the ground, dead. Causing everyone but Lumpy to gasp.

"I knew that crystalized cyanide would come in handy one day." Lumpy said calmly, before looking around. "Take that as a warning to anyone else that ruins my party." Everyone looked slightly horrified and feared that they might be next if they tried to leave. "On that note..." Lumpy pointed out his finger to the first friend he thought of. "Petunia, get Nutty's body out of here before it starts stinking. I, of course, expect you back."

Petunia hesitated for a moment before taking Nutty by the leg and dragging him out the door, obviously disgusted by the foam around his mouth and left him outside. On her way back inside, she made sure not to step in anything that was considered dirty.

Once Petunia was back, Lumpy announced, "Now that is out of the way, let's start with presents! Who's first?"

"Oh! I'll go first!" Sniffles brought his oddly shaped box over.

Lumpy sighed, taking the box. "Fine but it better be store bought."

"Why do I have a bad feeling about this?" Flaky had hidden behind the twins in case the box blew up somehow.

"It's good to have a bad feeling." Russell took a step back in fear. "This is Sniffles we're talking about."

Lumpy turned his face away as he opened up the box. The… thing inside was obviously homemade and had some kind of brush attached, that was all anyone could gather. Everyone gave a confused glance at the object before turning to Sniffles with a blank look.

"Okay dude. What did you do?" Toothy was the first to speak up.

"I didn't _do_ anything. It's just an antler buffer." Sniffles said, turning his invention on and holding it up to Lumpy's left antler which, instead of buffing it, quickly filed it down to a stump. "I'm sorry, Lumpy!" He quickly apologized, dropping the buffer.

The group's fear grew at the sight and slowly began to give the moose some space. "Oh no." Lammy grew worried at the possible reaction as she hid in a corner.

Lumpy's face very quickly went from blue to red as he got up in Sniffles' face. "This is what everyone's talking about! Nothing you make ever works right! You're just a fuck up of a scientist and—" He looked down to see the buffer, instead of shutting down, spinning even faster. "—And that things still spinning..."

"Should we wait for it to shut down?" Flaky asked shyly, still hiding behind the twins.

"And get killed in the process?" Flippy asked with a lifted eyebrow. "No thanks. I'd rather leave and see another day."

"Even if you died, you'd still see tomorrow," Russell pointed out and raising his hook. "We're not permanently dead."

"It's a figure of speech!" Flippy shouted. Before anyone else could say anything, the buffer had started spinning fast enough that the helicopter-effect kicked in and it lifted itself into the air.

As he said, Flippy was the first to run but before he could get out, the buffer flew all the way through his chest, taking his heart with it. Flaky screamed and crouched down with a whimper as everyone was horrified but expected this to happen.

Raising her head, Flaky looked around at all of the friends, most of them her friends and something clicked in her brain, seeing the buffer pass her, she shouted, "Not my friends!" And tackled the buffer, landing right on top.

At first it seemed like she succeeded in being a hero, until she started screaming and a pool of blood surrounded her until she went silent and the buffer broke out through her back.

"Dammit we'd better go." The twins didn't hesitate to try and make their way towards the door, but the buffer had caught Lifty's leg and pulled them back.

While the twins were shredded and everyone else was freaking out, Lumpy was looking around, formulating a plan. "Everyone I have an idea." He announced, and the surviving Tree Friends were more scared of that than the buffer

He ran into the kitchen, leaving them alone with the haywire buffer, which killed Russell and Toothy before Lumpy returned with a commercial sized stock pot.

Following the buffers path with his eyes, he soon catches it in the pot. It fights back, banging against the walls and top but Lumpy was able to hold it in place.

"Now what?!" Handy asked. "You can't stand there and hold it forever!"

"I don't have to! Notice there's no cord? It's battery-powered and with how fast it's spinning, we don't have long until..." Right on clue, the banging stops. "...the battery dies." He removes the lid to prove his point.

The surviving Tree Friends had a look of disbelief, and Sniffles pushed up his glasses. "Well, that was one way to stop it."

"Now, back to where I was." Lumpy quickly snapped back from smug to angry, turning back to Sniffles. "You! What did I say about ruining my party?!"

Sniffles didn't answer due to him being too focused on how Lumpy defeated the buffer while the others were glancing over the damage it had done.

"If you're not going to answer to me, maybe you will to your _little friends_." Lumpy threatened with almost literal fire in his eyes. Sniffles just blinked at him dumbly, not getting what he was saying so Lumpy specified. "You know, your… favorite meal."

Sniffles stared for a few more seconds before his eyes widened, it finally clicking who he's talking about and he fell to his knees. "No! Don't get them involved! I'm begging you! I'll do anything!"

"Oh really now?" Lumpy crossed his arms and looked down at him. "And what will you do?" He ignored the others who were proceeding to leave the trailer and go home because he knew why they were going.

"Anything! I'll obey every order you bark for the rest of my immortality! Just leave them out of this!"

Lumpy shook his head. "No deal, there aren't any orders I can give you without you screwing everything up again." Sniffles' fear began to grow as Lumpy stepped farther to a small box that sat on a table and opening it with a grin. "This should be fun."

"Th-they're in that box?"

"Why, I didn't want to ruin the surprise for them. They would be terrified if they knew you were here. Knowing you, you might probably want to eat them, right?" He slowly opened the box to reveal the Ants gazing around the trailer before growing fearful gazes when they see the anteater.

It was obvious that Sniffles was trying hard to fight it, remembering all too well the whole incident with the mind control helmet, as well as all the others but it wasn't long until his instincts got the best of him and he shot his tongue out to catch them.

The Ants screamed and jumped out of the box to avoid the tongue and ran to hide somewhere in the trailer. Lumpy placed the box on the table with a smile as he watched Sniffles curse to himself and try to catch them. "Dammit! I know what's gonna happen, but why do I do this!?"

"Because you're an idiot who can't control his animalistic impulses the way literally every else does," Lumpy answered his rhetorical question before things went to hell.

* * *

After it was over, Lumpy smiled at the brutally murdered corpse and thanked the Ants by giving them some food for their hard work. "I'm not happy about you putting me and my children in danger like that," the Mother Ant said, but accepted the food.

Lumpy waved it off. "I know you guys. You all were in no actual danger."

"He does have a point," The Brother Ant pointed out.

"After all, this happens every time," The Sister Ant piped up with a smile. "We show up, he tries to eat us, we kill him. When will he ever learn?"

"Hopefully soon, I thought he had after the last time, it had been so long." The Mother Ant sighed and picked up The Baby Ant. "Come on, Kids. Let's go home and get breakfast made. And don't forget your morning prayers," she said on the way out.

Lumpy watched the Ants go and turned back to the mess in his trailer. He placed a hand on his hip with a sigh. "Ah jeez. I'm gonna have to clean this up, aren't I?"

After some thought, he decided, "Or I can find Petunia again and lock her in here while I fix this thing." He picked up what was supposed to be an antler buffer, liking the idea of having one that worked correctly. "After all, she'd have to clean it up fairly quickly."

He thought of the two decisions for a while before picking up the phone to call the skunk with a smile on his face. After all, not only is it much less work for him but his trailer will be much cleaner than he could ever get it.

"Hello?" Petunia answered, having just gotten home.

"Hey Petunia, I'm gonna need you to come back here for a bit," Lumpy spoke from the other line. "Don't freak out you won't die if you come. I just need your help with the trailer."

"Are the Ants still there?"

Lumpy raised an eyebrow. "No, they went home but you realize they've never hurt anyone but Sniffles, right?"

"I don't care!" she suddenly shouted. "Ants are filthy little creatures! But, as long as they're gone, I'll be right there." She agreed, curious to what he could want, after all, she made she to leave his present there.

Lumpy waited for a few minutes before hearing a knock on the door. He opened it to see the skunk in front of him. "So, why am I here?"

"Simple," Lumpy handed her a bucket of cleaning supplies. "Clean my trailer while I get this buffer thing to work." He stepped outside to allow her inside the trailer only for her eyes to widen at the mess. "Well, good luck." He shoved her inside and slammed the door behind her.

Starting to hyperventilate, Petunia quickly checked all the exits, finding them all looked. She knew she wasn't going to be paid but it was either clean the place or be trapped in this mess. The choice was beyond obvious.

Meanwhile, out in the yard, Lumpy made very short work of the buffer and was now using it on his remaining antler.

 **Yeah, I was originally going to include the torture session but those things are hard to write and most fans don't like reading them anyways. I apologize to anyone who was hoping to get one. Anyway, even though this was made for Tiny But Mighty, anyone please review and constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.**


End file.
